My name is Alicia, and my 4 week old infant passionately hates his carseat.
This is my thought process every.single.car ride.
Me: OK, I just nursed you in the front seat, you should be full and sleepy. Surely you're going to pass right out. Let me just gingerly place you in this carseat. (First buckle- click.) Good boy, only two more clicks to go. (Second buckle- click.) Nice. (Third buckle- click.)
Baby: bottom lip quivers.
Me: hastily crawls backwards out of backseat to start car. This reminds me of Pavlov's Dogs. Except babies and clicks instead of dogs and whistles.
Baby: begins the quick-short-cough-fuss. A-HA! A-HA! HA! HA!
Me: Just hold tight baby, mommy's going to get this car going and lull you to sleep. Peels out of driveway.
Baby: cough-fuss becomes a whine-cry. Waaah! Waaah!
Me: typically where I accept the impending scream fest and whimper a little.
Baby: officially wailing. WAAAAAAHH! WAAAAAAHH!
Me: Maybe you're hot? Let me turn this air on full blast.
Me: turns around adjusting air vents and removing baby's socks. Also places hand in air to check airflow to backseat.
Me: It's ok sweet boy! Mommy and Sister and Brother are here for you!
2 year old brother: SHUSH TATE! Pokes baby's cheek.
Me: Oh no. Oh no. A red light. Maybe if I just ease off of the gas and coast it'll turn green. THINK FAST- turns into gas station parking lot to avoid stopping.
Me: Crap! Oncoming traffic! Peels out into available lane.
Slow driver: driving slow
Me: GET A MOVE ON IT, GRANNY! Doesn't she understand what I'm going through, here??
Me: passes at first opportunity, cranes neck for a visual on slow driver.
Me: OMG! You're texting and driving! I HATE YOU! YOU ASS HAT!
Me: Did I just say "ass hat" out loud?
2 year old brother: Ass Hat!
Me: Maybe if I rub your forehead and hair...
Me: cranes around to rub forehead and hair.
Me: OMG, did I poke your eye? I poked your eye.
Me: Can this incessant crying cause long term damage to your mental health?
Me: What if you're Autistic????
Me: I'm having chest pains.
Reckless driver: recklessly cuts me off.
Me: YOU TOOL FACE!
Me: Maybe you'll take your pacifier this time??
Me: cranes around holding pacifier in baby's mouth.
Baby: crying weakens.
Me: What is that noise!?!?!? Did I smother the baby!?
Me: The baby's sucking! The baby's sucking his paci.
Baby: cluck. cluck. cluck.
Me: I think the baby's drifting off!
2 year old brother: PLAY WITH TATE'S TOYS! (spins loud rattle ball on baby's useless carseat toy)
Me: spanks 2 year old's shoe, because that is all I can reach.
Me: involuntarily zones out. Mentally creates rough draft for this very blog post.
Me: Thank God, we're almost home.
Baby: waaahhh....... crying weakens.
4 year old sister: Mommy, can I hold Tate's hand to help him feel better?
Me: IF ANYONE TOUCHES THE BABY YOU GET THE SPANKING SPOON!
Me: rips onto our street.
Me: Of course.
Me: pulls in the garage and takes this picture:
Me: removes teary-eyed, sweet face, chubby bunny out of his carseat and takes this picture:
Me: herds everyone inside and begins countdown until Daddy gets home from work.